Gobble Gobble!


Today up here in Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving today! Anytime anyone says “Happy Thanksgiving” I find myself wanting to be different and always tend to respond with “Happy Gobble Gobble!”.

Being Atheist, this tends to be the holiday that I mostly gravitate towards. For me it’s a time to reflect on the past year, to sit down with my tiny family of 4 (including me) and have dinner at our mostly unused dinning room table.

It’s thought that Canada first celebrated Thanksgiving in 1578 when an exbidition from England by Martin Frobisher (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Frobisher) landed and gathered with the remainder of his fleet and they had a feast. It seems to have taken shape after that in 1604 when Samuel de Champlain shared food with Native Canadians. The dates in which our Thanksgiving Day have shifted over the years and is now celebrated the second Monday of October and has been fixed on this day since 1957.

For me it’s much less about what I’m thankful for since not a day goes by when I don’t look around and think about the good things around me, which I do to compact the negative feelings I have about all the crap that is going on. Crap that is either happening to me, those I love, or just the world in general. I have a great house (that needs some repairs), I have great friends (that I don’t see nearly enough), I have a great job, (really no down side here), I have a great family (not big but they are all I need). Thanksgiving for me is reminding myself about balance, about love. I’m truly thankful to be Canadian, to have a healthcare system that doesn’t bankrupt me or has left me for dead. To be Canadian with a leader who may not be perfect but has Canadians in his thoughts, who is a stable human being. I’m thankful that I have an audience to write to, who appreciate my quirky sense of humour and who are forgiving for my lack of writing.

I originally conceived this post to make be a bit of a commentary on the U.S. elections however I figured that wasn’t in the spirit of Thanksgiving. Well except the part where I’m thankful not to be American. That may be a post for another day, today as I write this I’m fighting the food coma that comes with having had a full plate of food. I think the only regret I have this day is that I didn’t do enough to help others today. I know that this is my first post in a very long time please forgive it’s shortness however I’m going to go and watch a movie with my mom, who I’m very thankful I can still watch movies with.

To those who are struggling (in any way) on this day know that you are in my thoughts. Today is a day of reflection, and of love and I appreciate and love all of you. I don’t always feel thankful, or even act like it some days but on this day I try to make an extra effort.


Our Turkey dinner tonight!


on June 30th, 1983 at the age of 42 Allan Douglas Loker died of a heart attack. He left behind 3 daughters and a wife. I’m one of the daughters that got left behind.

I don’t much about him, I know that he liked to race stock cars, he did skeet shooting, he did those fancy plaster things you see on ceilings, that he worked for the same company for 18 years, and that he was unfaithful to his loving wife. I always used to imagine that when I turned a certain age there would be a package sent from him to me or a letter that would allow me to get to know him more than I do. My mom never talked about him much, whenever we really pressed for information she would say she didn’t remember. Now after her stroke any hope of any information is now long gone. My view of him is tainted by the acts of betrayal I knew he committed.

My mom had 4 girls and my aunt had 4 girls, needless to say I haven’t had a lot of positive male role models in my life. Not to say I haven’t had any but for the most part I’ve looked outside my family for role models. I’m a huge fan of TV, movies, science, pop culture, etc so the ongoing list of men with whom I admire is as follows. There is no particular order but each of these men have qualities that I imagine my dad would have had, or what I’m looking for in a future husband.

William Shatner

Photo Credit: @WilliamShatner twitter

Mr. Shatner is the father I wished I had, he is funny, smart, witty, loves horses, and he does a hell of a lot of charity work. With the social media craze Mr. Shatner engages his followers, fans and haters like no one else. I’ve been lucky to exchange a few tweets with him.

Lennox Lewis

I’ve met Lennox and we attended the same high school (years apart), He is genuinely nice engages with his fans. He is a family man above all else which is the biggest reason why admire him. I like to think I can consider him a friend.

Kevin Hart

Photo Credit: @KevinHart4real Twitter

I’ve been a big fan of Mr. Hart’s movies, and I always look forward to his next project. In all the interviews I’ve seen him give he seems true to himself, is compassionate and speaks with true passion about his family. He would be someone I’d just love to hang out with, have a drink. I would love to seem him do a dramatic roll to balance all the comedy.

Ryan Reynolds

Photo Credit: @VancityReynolds Twitter

I’m drawn to other Canadians as I feel being from the same country we “know” each other. I of course have never met Mr. Reynolds but meeting him is totally on my bucket list. I’m constantly amazed at how much of himself he gives to the world and have to thank him for it because he truly does make this world a better place. I’m slightly jealous of his wife who gets to know him as no one else does but knowing how devoted he is to his family (based on things said in interviews) I can’t help but admire him.

Dwayne Johnson

Photo Credit: @TheRock Twitter

The Rock…Dwayne…Mr. Johnson, whatever name he goes by there is no denying his genuine appreciation for his fans. He loves encouraging others to be their best. He has made me laugh with his tweets, and has made my day when he has tweeted me back.

Chris Hadfield

Photo Credit: @Cmdr_Hadfield Twitter

Mr. Hadfield, another Canuck, made space “cool” again. He made others look up to the stars and dream about what lay beyond. I have NO doubt that some of the kids he interacted with while on the International Space Station will grow up to become astronauts themselves. I haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting him but when I do a hug is in order. His bravery, curiosity, and inelegance are qualities that should be celebrated.

Stephen Hawking

Mr. Hawking is a brilliant mind who doesn’t let anything stop him. Having to deal with tons of personal issues while producing mind blowing science is simply amazing. I wish I had only a portion of his smarts. I heard some years ago that he was coming to my neck of the woods to do a lecture and I missed it; I hope he comes again because seeing him speak is something on my bucket list. I have no doubt I would be hopelessly lost in the lecture but just being there would make me feel a tad smarter.

Nathan Fillion

Photo Credit: @NathanFillion Twitter

From Firefly to Castle Mr. Fillion has never ceased to entertain and make me laugh. It’s his work outside of that I admire the most. He has lent his voice to a number of charities that I hold dear to my heart. He regularly engages his fans/followers on social media. Oh and he is Canadian as well🙂

Zachary Levi

Photo Credit: @ZacharyLevi TwitterOne 

One of my favourite things about Zachary is the work he does for Operation Smile (http://www.operationsmile.org/). For the past few years during SDCC he has gotten a bunch of people together and raised a lot of money to help kids who like me were born with a facial difference. Mr. Levi is funny, kind, generous, and super cute! One day I hope to be able to attend SDCC again but specifically go to all the Nerd Machine events.

Joseph Mallozzi

Joe has been responsible for some of my favorite TV of all time. He has one of the most creative minds that I know and he genuinely cares. He has been keeping up a blog daily for a crazy amount of time and when I started my own blog I had hoped that I would be just as good at it as he is. Sadly I’m not but i’m totally ok with that. I’m super excited that his Dark Matter season 2 premiers tomorrow and I hope everyone gives it a watch. You should also read/follow his blog (https://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com)

Jared Padalecki

Photo Credit: @jarpad Twitter

#AKF stands for Always Keep Fighting, as Jared continues to work on an amazing show called Supernatural he has been upfront about his battle with depression. He used is reach to let us all know that we are not alone. Many in the SPN Fandom have opened up and come together to help each other through some really hard times. I love watching Jared tell stories of pranks he and his casts mates have pulled on each other and I love seeing the love he has for his family.

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Photo Credit: @Lin_Manuel Twitter

I’ve only recently discovered Lin-Manuel thanks to the success of his Broadway hit Hamilton. I’ve listened to the soundtrack and like probably 75% of the world I really REALLY want to see this musical. I have watched a lot of the interviews he has done and he seems like one of the nicest people ever. He genuinely wants to help people and the territory he comes from. If I saw him on the street it would be hard for me not to give him a hug. On a side note I creeped his Twitter to find a picture and in almost every picture he has posted he is with someone else and has the biggest smile on his face! Class!

This list could go on-and-on-and-on. I know who I am as a person, I’ve said this before and it still hold true. I don’t need a “man” to define me but would be sure nice to have one stand with me. I like to think that some of person I am is because of these guys influence. As I continue to grow as an individual I will continue to seek to look to positive influences to help continue to guide me. On this the anniversary of my father’s death this might be one of the first years I haven’t wondered so much on what would have been. I continue to look forward and hope that he would have been proud of the woman I have become and that he would have agreed with the men I choose to look up to and admire.

#OscarsSoWhite and Diversity

Every since the 2016 Acedmey award nominations were announced there has been much discussion about racism, and lack of diversity in Hollywood. Many are planning to boycott the awards ceremony and have been voicing their displeasure about the lack of colour amongst the nomonies. I support any movement that opens a dialogue leading to positive change.
We can’t get around the fact that in America (and yes even in Canada and around the world) people are still discriminated solely based on the colour of their skin, their body type, sexual orientation, Religion and their ethnicity. We even talk a little about the fact that those who identify as disabled are not taken in to consideration. “Talk a little” are the three key words in my last sentence.
For today’s blog post I want to expand on this movement and continue to support those who are different. The one thing that has been absent thus far in this discussion going on about diversity is that those with physical differences are once again being overlooked, and ignored. Being ignored by my peers is not a new concept however as I get older, and as we continue to change our tolerance for what is accepted I get more and more frustrated that real change still alludes us.
There was a quote by actor Will Smith that I saw today and it read “This is about children that are going to sit down and watch this show and they’re not going to see themselves represented”. That is a powerful statement and so very true on so many levels. Although I believe that Mr. Smith meant only a very narrow definition as to “representation” it does erase the fact that this statement is true. I’m 34 I’m still waiting to see someone that represents me, I’m still seen as “ugly”.
The whole concept of storytelling, needs to change. We still need to continue to tell the stories that move us, make us laugh, make us think, and cry however the ways we protray those stories visually, needs to be brought in to the 21st century. In order to tell those stories more effectively we need to provide the opportunities for those who play those parts to be protrayed by the best of us. Whether or not that person is visuablly different, cause I hate to break it to everyone, we are all different. 
I’m frustrated that when I was growing up I automatically dismissed becoming an actor because I had a facial difference. I did participate in school plays, I thought I was pretty good, and I enjoyed it. I’m frustrated that when I was growing up, if there was someone with a facial difference they typically held the role of the villain. I’m frustrated that in the event there is an actual role where someone is protrayed not as a villain with a facial difference they use heavy makeup, and protectics to achieve the look instead of reaching out to find an actor with a facial difference. I’m frustrated that when there is a role for anyone who is considered different or disabled it tends to elicit a sense of pity instead of letting that actor shine. A special shout out to NCIS New Orleans for hiring an amazing actor who happens to get around on some awesome wheels.
The Acedemy recently announced sweeping changes to bolster the diversity of their membership in the hopes that future votes will better reflect the global makeup of the world. Here is the press release:

Although this is a great first step I hope that they include real diversity and not focus on just colour, gender, or sexual orientation. 
I’m not ignorant to the fact that those with facial differences will probably always get the short end of the stick but I hope that one day when kids sit down to watch these ceremonies they truly do see great role models they can look up to and admire. I hope they can see someone that represents them which creates a spark that changes their life.

My house will turn out to be a sound investment, right?



I bought my amazing home in 2012, got the keys on February 29th, 2012 and will be celebrating 4 years of home ownership this year, LEAP YEAR! For the most part it’s been awesome; I love the amount of space we have. I love that because we own a bungalow when my mom suffered a stroke she was able to come home instead of into a long-term care facility after she completed her rehab.


I love that when I moved in we didn’t have to paint a single room, now after 4 years almost every room could use a new coat of paint. I love that our backyard was fenced in, now after 4 years the fence and gate need to be replaced. I love that our front step was big enough to sit out on, now after 4 years and a mom suffering a stroke we need a safe ramp.


The list of things that require my attention with regards to my amazing home seems to be growing by the day. Here is a list:


  1. Gutters need to be replaced, when it rains, it pours. No joke, it’s a sheet of water coming down in the front of my home.
  2. Driveway needs to be dug out, re-slopped, and re-paved.
  3. A ramp needs to be installed. We have a very tiny ramp that allows my sister to get mom in and out of the house however if I was alone with my mom I cannot safely get my mom out. This also means I cannot just take her somewhere if I want to.
  4. New stove, the current one takes FOREVER to preheat and the glass top came damaged.
  5. Toilets need to be replaced. Nothing more needs to be said with this.
  6. Bathroom door and one bedroom door needs to be replaced. The master bedroom door never came with a doorknob. I would also LOVE a door, my basement bedroom has a curtain.
  7. I have about 3 cracks in the foundation of my home that need to be fixed. It floods in my closet and in our laundry room.
  8. The fence in the backyard has one section that is falling forward, the post is toast. The whole fence needs to be replaced.




How do other home owners balance these needs? We have already fixed some pluming issues, recently replaced our sub-pump, taken a bad tree out…it just never seems to end when you own a home.


We have a quote for a ramp of over $4000, fixing the cracks in the foundation will be roughly $2000, fence looking at $2000…Where are these funds suppose to come from? I try to work overtime when I can but I also need to balance being a caregiver, and I just can’t give up doing my volunteer work. Thought about getting a second job but that doesn’t seem very practical either. I make a decent wage, a living wage which I’m forever grateful for however it gives me just enough to make monthly expenses supporting a family of 4 and not much more to be able to save in case shit goes wrong. I never expected my mom to have a stroke, think that is where it all went to heck, her and I would split the mortgage payments. Now that I have taken on the full mortgage payments and add that to other payments I have taken on its can be overwhelming. I’ve sometimes taken the stance to just ignoring everything, pretending it isn’t happening….anyone else do that?


Why I threw in the towel

Yesterday I posted about my extremely brief foray into online dating, I wrote about how I felt it failed. Let me expand on that today.
I got a lot of great feedback, I also saw some comments suggesting I gave up far too quickly, that I should have stuck it out because not all guys are dicks, or assholes. I do know this, I have met real life guys who are awesome, they’re already taken.
I’m pretty self-aware, I know who I am, I know what my flaws are. One being I’m not willing to compromise what I’m looking for. I’m a very independent woman, I take after my mom in that trait. I know I don’t NEED a guy in my life, that isn’t to say I don’t want one ’cause I do. I know that I would be ok going through life as is, alone, doing my own thing but I do understand the quote:

I have this vision of my “perfect” guy (yes I can hear that laugh and snicker) and I won’t settle. It’s not a visual image, lord knows I don’t judge in that department, but it’s more of a emotional image. I want a guy who just fits right in, I want a certain feeling and I can’t get that online.
It’s more my fault than theirs, with online dating I’m always suspicious, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is yet another flaw of mine, I’m always poised waiting for the other shoe to drop. I get weirded out easily by guys online claiming to “have a connection” because if I’m truly honest, I don’t feel it and I don’t know how to say that.
I have been told I have unrealistically high expectations when it comes to what I’m looking for. I want a guy who also knows who he is, he has a job (or does volunteer work in the event he can’t work), I want someone who loves animals and music equally, who would attend a hockey game one night, and an art exhibit the next. I want someone who loves camping, skiing, video games and boarded games, also being handy wouldn’t hurt. I don’t want someone much older than me, I know age is only a number but for some reason it’s important to me. 
I didn’t give up online dating because someone told me I was ugly, I did give it up because the potential to be told that on a regular basis is exhausting. I get that in the real world, I get it, don’t need to keep beating that nail on the head. I gave up online dating after a short time because I knew it wasn’t the right outlet for me. I need to interact in the real world, I need to see their facial expressions, hear their tone of voice.
It’s not them, it’s me!

Dating apps + me = no

2016 has begun. I rang it in as I have done so these last few years, we load up on hor d’oeuvres, go our separate ways and 5 mins before midnight gather to open some sparkling wine and watch the ball drop. I also enjoy watching Anderson Cooper & Kathy Griffin’s antics but alas that is besides the point. We rung in the new year, Crystal and I finished our wine while staning in the kitchen chatting then I went back to my room.

 I honestly think I’ve seen that Match.com add one too many times as when I got to my room I got some weird notion in my head that I should download their app, so I did. The app itself is easy to use simple questions, easy to upload picture, it worked great. It worked great until you try to do anything then it prompts you for money. I’ve come to the realization that those sites must make a killing, they wanted to charge $131 for 6 month subscription, access, whatever you call it. I won’t lie, I was tempted however I have 2 possibly more cracks in my foundation so really won’t be spending money on crazy stuff like online dating sites.
When I didn’t get anywhere with that I chatted with my friend Karen who suggested PoF aka Plenty Of Fish. This site comes with a bad reputation, it’s not undeserved. I also went with Adam’s (Karen’s BF) recommendation called OkCupid. I had not heard of this one but decided to give it a go. Got my first message on OkCupid not sure what the dude’s real name is but the conversation started out ok. It got clearer however that he was only interested in sex and not in anything else, his questions last of which was “what do you wear under your pants” made me very uncomfortable. I decided to wish him well, and a goodnight and I promptly deleted our chat. He wrote me back shortly after with this:

Needless to say I didn’t respond, nor did I respond when he followed up and said “your a dirty dog ruff” although for this one if I had responded it would have been  to correct his spelling and grammar. Back to PoF I got a “hello” message from a guy in my area and after reading his profile and being interested I say “hey” back. You can imagine my shock when his reply read “ur blocked ewww”.
I know my facial difference will make dating a challenge and I know not all guys are assholes however I’ve learned that I’m not ok with being told that I’m ugly on a regular basis in the hopes I will find someone. 
My experience wasn’t all bad, I did have a couple conversations with a couple of guys that went all right. One from around this area who seemed genuine with twin 17 year old daughters. Another who like me has been through some stuff and has some differences (not visible). I had a third one which I learned the most from.
He says his name is Scott, that he is in the U.S military (Army) and he is depoloyed in Nigeria on a peacekeeping mission. My first impression of his profile pic was that he was cute, he was nice. We chatted on and off through the night and today, my instincts were going hey wire. He used the same phrases multiple times but using the exact same language, this creeped me out. I can forgive the spelling and grammar errors as I’m not sure his level of education even though his profile says he is 43. He kept saying “we have a connection” even though we had only been talking for a very brief time and we hadn’t touched on anything serious. To be honest I kept expecting him to ask for money, my instincts told me that he was some kind of scam, so I did what I always do, I consulted a friend got some good advice, didn’t take the good advice and followed my instincts and said goodbye to Scott and deleted the messaging app I was using to communicate with him.
My use of dating apps was very brief. I’m simply not ok with having conversations like that online. I’m always thinking the worst and I don’t know if the “guy” I’m talking with is real or a scam. I get anxiety and I don’t like constantly checking my phone for a message. I’ve disabled the profiles and deleted the apps and that is that.
I know that there are many people who have met online and are in happy healthy relationships, I don’t see myself doing the whole online dating thing. If this means I remain single and never really go on dates, I’m ok with that; maybe I’m ok with being alone. I’m not comfortable at all with cheesy lines from guys whom I don’t know, telling me we really have a connection and want to get serious in the first hour or first day of chatting. I don’t know how it is suppose to work but for me I don’t think it does. I won’t say I gave it a fair shot, stuck with it for only 24 hours or so but I don’t think I will try it again.

“Have Courage and, Be Kind”

Paris 1

Mon coeur est avec Paris, translation: my heart is with Paris. Like many people I was glued to my phone to get any and all information I could about what was happening in Paris. Cowards decided to enter a place of entertainment, fun, and peace and shatter a night that was meat to be a great one. Almost 24 hours later I sit here trying to wrap my tiny Canadian mind around what happened. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing to wrap my head around. Bad people who feel that the French government was at war with them took their revenge on the population. They choose their targets and acted in a horribly brutal fashion.

I was watching a Periscope broadcast earlier when one user said that they had heard that the attackers where using crowd control methods to ensure there were no heroes, they systematically killed many people some one-by-one. I couldn’t imagine being in that theater…watching what had happened fearing you might not make it out alive.

The title of this entry seemed so fitting and came from the most unlikely of places. Although I wanted to obsess over what was going on in Paris I didn’t want to engross my mom in that violence so I decided to watch a movie. I chose the 2015 version of Cinderella (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1661199/?ref_=nv_sr_1) and one of the most powerful lines in the movie and a consistent thread presented throughout the movie is to “have courage and be kind”. I thought that line was very apt for what was happening in Paris.

I’m an ordinary Canadian who sat in shock watching what was happening. I don’t have any answers, and at this point I don’t have any questions. I’ve seen a lot of reactions to this tragedy, hate, ignorance, but the one I will align myself to is love. We cannot fight darkness with darkness we have to have light, we need to realize that we are all humans, we bleed when damaged and our hearts break with great suffering. We seem to continue to want to damage ourselves we are our own worst enemy.

I’ve been lucky that all of my loved ones and friends all are on the same page. However to those who might read this and think differently; I forgive you. I understand fear, hatred, ignorance, I understand the need to wrap your brain around such events and take the easy way out. We cannot blame one whole group of people, who like you love, work,  and try to get by. We cannot condemn one religion because we may not understand it, we cannot blame anyone than the ones truly responsible.

I’m not religious and I don’t hide the fact that I’m agnostic, so I will not pray for Paris. But I will do what I can to continue to live my life; not taking anything for granted, I will continue to be courageous and be kind.